I feel.. stuck

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Kalliste
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2015 7:47 am
Location: Australia

Sat Apr 16, 2016 12:55 pm

For most of my life I haven't had much direction. I have never had something that I really wanted to do or be and just stumbled in the direction life took.

At the moment I feel like I'm stuck where life is right now with issues that most people would consider themselves lucky to have. it's hard to complain about having a mortgage you can easily afford and a job that pays you well.

My mortgage feels like this ball and chain, it's anchoring me here because, unlike renting, I can't just tell the landlord I'm not renewing the lease and move somewhere else. Sure, I can sell my house but buying the house was incredibly stressful and I can't imagine what it would be like to have to buy and sell at the same time.

And then there is the job, I was recently made permanent the government department I work. YAY job security but with the amount I get paid (more than 20% more than what I was on at my previous job to basically - initially anyway - do the same work) and the added benefits (I get a higher amount of superannuation and nearly a month of sick days which is much more than the private sector) I can't imagine any other job matching it for the skills I have. I feel like I'm stuck living and working here forever.

When I'm feeling this way I also tend to compare (I know, the worst enemy) myself with my boyfriend. He's 6 years younger than me, makes more money than I do, has many things he likes doing to the point where his issues are that he doesn't have enough time to keep up with them all and works in an environment he likes with good people.

I just don't know what to do to make the feeling go away.

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Elfwink
Posts: 214
Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2015 12:27 pm

Sun Apr 17, 2016 1:03 pm

I'm sure you're not the only one feeling this way.

Comparing yourself, especially to someone close to you, is a deadly trap. My sister is younger than me, married, and had her first baby in January. I felt like I was 1000 steps behind her in terms of "life progress" - but that was a thought I had to give up. (I also compared myself to my most recent boyfriend, and that caused a ton of insecurity, which resulted in us breaking up) As much as the evidence won't go away, I have to tell myself that my life is going at a different pace to everyone else - and I will find a sense of belonging and happiness in my own time, in my own way.

There are people in wheelchairs who win gold medals, and there are geniuses with master's degrees who end up in supermarkets for the rest of their life. Life is not a race. To put in Doctor Who terms, life "wibbly wobbley timey wimey" - it doesn't have to be lived according to a straight linear path. It plays out in different ways for everyone.

So I let it all go and just accepted that my life isn't going to follow a particular set path. I thought that getting a university degree would guarantee me a job - hah, nope! It only shot me in the foot! - now I have to pick up the pieces as best as I can.

I think the only thing I can suggest to break the monotony would be to start a new hobby. Trying out different restaurants is great, and I love that you take the effort to review them. ^_^ But maybe something that involves achieving an end result: Such as art or craft. If you could get into playing D&D or a tabletop game, that would be good - but not everyone is that way inclined.
You are important. Seize the day.
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Kalliste
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2015 7:47 am
Location: Australia

Mon Apr 18, 2016 9:54 am

Thanks for the response :) I was feeling a bit angry at the world when I wrote all that.

I have recently started a new hobby (which I'm sure you've seen me spamming on instagram) of cross stitch, it is making me feel a bit better. It's relaxing and not overly difficult to do.

I will try and not compare myself with others. Sometimes it can be quite difficult!

Vicky
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 22, 2016 2:39 pm

Mon Apr 18, 2016 1:50 pm

Agreeing that comparing yourself is never good. My boyfriend is also a few years younger than me, and makes almost twice what I make. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm not contributing enough to the household or I'm not good enough, but when I feel that way, I remind myself that we have very different skillsets. He couldn't do what I do and succeed, and I couldn't do what he does and succeed, so there's no use comparing ourselves because we're different people. But yeah, it's hard!! Sometimes all you see is the money they make and their successes and it's difficult not to compare yourselves.

As for the job, you can probably pick out a lot of different skillsets that you gain from this job that aren't obvious if you think really hard. I work with sales people right now, but I can say that because I have to kind of manage their daily tasks for them, that I'm really good at management and organization. I'm also really good at thinking outside the box because I have to create a lot of organizational spreadsheets to keep them all together, and stuff like that. It doesn't have to be, "I work in taxes and so I must be mathematical and this is all I will ever be able to do." That's a lot of tl;dr rambling... hopefully it made sense. /o\ But if you had an idea of what you wanted to go into, you could probably draw some connections between the two even if they seem to have nothing in common.

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Kalliste
Posts: 543
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Location: Australia

Tue Apr 19, 2016 9:08 am

Thanks Vicky :) You're definitely right about the contributing thing. We are in the process of putting a bunch of money on our loan and he has double what I have and I sometimes feel like he'll end up paying so much more of it than me.

I actually asked about a job today in my department that would be the same pay grade but doing something different and I think I'd have the skills for it so hopefully I hear something positive back from them. The main issue I have with work is that as a 'federal public servant' for some reason the pay and benefits are just massively better than private so I feel like it'd be hard to find even an equivalent job and get the same... I try and think that if a job that I was excited about came along I should care less about the money and more about enjoying going to work.

Vicky
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 22, 2016 2:39 pm

Tue Apr 19, 2016 1:23 pm

I get you. I really wanted to go to grad school and work with nonprofits, but then I got offered a job that I wouldn't necessarily enjoy as much, but paid a whole lot better, and I constantly feel like I'm "selling out" but at the same time, would I really be happy if I were doing work I wanted, but could barely pay the rent or pay for food? So, yeah, it's definitely a delicate balance between having to kind of "settle" for a job that you wouldn't necessarily be in love with, versus finding something you're just super passionate about.

Good luck on the new job! Hopefully you get it.

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Kya
Posts: 388
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Location: Australia

Fri Apr 29, 2016 5:27 am

*a million hugs*

That would be a really difficult situation to deal with. You probably have a mixed bag of feelings telling you that you should be 'content' with what you have. But our brains work in such weird ways. Maybe you just need to discover that thing you like and enjoy doing. Experiment in different things and see if there are activities that you like and really try and fill the void.

Comparing yourself to other people does not help at all. I used to do this a lot in the past, but I have been able to not worry about it as much. Probably because I have found things that I enjoy and continually try and improve and do the best I can.
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lovemore
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Tue Jun 28, 2016 4:21 pm

In life sometimes you need stability. You need to wake up in the morning and know that you have that house and you a job and you're safe in this part of your life. Remember why you bought that house. There has to be something you liked about it, something that made you say "this is it, I am buying it". Look around your house and don't think "it's my house", think "it's my home". You have pictures, decorations, memories there.
When I bought my apartment I saw it in pictures (my parents saw it and we decided to take it last minute), and at first it seemed just an apartment. But the I had to arrange it. And I had to do it on my own. And I bought the furniture, I bought decorations, I made it mine. I have moment when I look around my house and I feel proud because it is something that I build by myself, every piece of furniture, every decoration is a piece of me and I feel so proud. I made it my home. And I love it. It's my safe place.
Start looking at your house in a different way, you'll see that you'll change your mind.

Don't compare yourself with other people, especially with your loved ones. Everybody is different, everybody has a different perspective in life, everybody is talented at something different. I used to be so harsh with myself: I looked around me and saw people doing different things and I was so jealous and angry with myself. I still do that sometimes, but I learned to control it better. You have your own achievements, you're own things you have to be proud of.

Recently I had a time where I felt really bad. I just didn't wanted to do anything anymore. I had a lot to study and I just didn't, and my performance at school lowered, I kept thinking that medical school consumes all my time, I actually forgot why I came here and why I am working hard to do this. I kept thinking about my ex-boyfriend and blamed myself for what happened between us. I thought that I am still young but I am not living my life. What I did? It might sound stupid, but for me it worked. I wrote a letter to myself where I basically tried to point out everything good thing about me, every quality I have, the things I am passionate about, things I want to try, hard situations I overcame and the fact that I am allowed to make mistakes, I am allowed to be me and not somebody else. After that I started reading it out loud. I started crying while reading it but it made me realize that I am where I am supposed to be, everything that happened in my life brought me here, and I can do whatever I want next. I always wanted to paint so I went and bought paint and a few brushes and I started it, I wanted to volunteer more, I signed myself into volunteering, I wanted to have an website again, I opened it again. And it made me so happy, to actually do what I want.

Don't compare yourself with your boyfriend, let him inspire you. He can do it so why can't you? You can do whatever you want, nobody is stopping you. You just have to try.
Ask yourself what is really important and then have the wisdom and courage to build your life around your answer.

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