Lonely

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Elfwink
Posts: 214
Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2015 12:27 pm

Tue May 31, 2016 8:06 am

There is part of me who thinks I should go out and explore to find new friends. I'm a bit unsure of where to look (and if you post a suggestion, I will likely tell you why that's a good idea).

- I have long overstayed my "visit" in my parent's house, and I would like to move out within the next 6-12 months. However, I would rather not be completely alone. I have made a personal budget for the next 2 years, and have budgeted about 50% of the price of a small flat or townhouse. That means I'll want either a boyfriend or a really good best friend (who isn't in a relationship).

- I have Asperger Syndrome. While I don't have any tantrums, make weird noises, or any special medical needs, this makes me very picky about who I associate with. I tend to want to be with people who share the same special interests, and value education and intellectual discussion. I can't picture myself doing "normal people things" such as going out to a bar, watching reality TV, watching sport, soap operas etc. I don't like TV shows that are about "human things". So, Star Trek, LOTR, or X-Men are ok because they are highly science-fiction/fantasy, but Doctor Who is sort of borderline and I turn off when it becomes relationshippy...

- In nerdy/geeky communities, I seem to encounter people who are out of my age group, or the good ones are already taken... and what's left are men with bad hygiene and worse social skills. -_- (And I amaze myself that I have better empathy, social etiquette, and emotional resilience than most of these people.) I would be told to "give the weird nerdy guy a chance, he might turn out to be nice", but honestly, I don't want to lower my standards and "settle" for someone I don't find physically/emotionally attractive. Besides, I find it exceptionally unattractive when interaction with a guy means I'm interested in being his girlfriend.

- Asperger Syndrome makes it exceptionally hard to know the right time to "enter" a conversation. Sometimes I raise or wave my hand to indicate "I am here and I want to talk", but I'm worried that people might see this as rude. Sometimes I'm too zoned out (overstimulated by all the background noise) that I lose touch with the conversation.

- AS causes me to talk in a mostly monotone voice, with little facial expression. When people meet me for the first time, the thought is I'm an antisocial bitch. The reality is that my brain doesn't understand how to be social and doesn't care to talk about "normal people things".

Alright, so this has turned into the, "excuses why I can't find friends" post. LOL.

Maybe I just needed to vent all of that.
You are important. Seize the day.
- Blog: Lekku

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Kalliste
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2015 7:47 am
Location: Australia

Tue May 31, 2016 9:08 am

I know the feeling. I can relate to many of these even though I don't have Asperger Syndrome. Especially the parents one. I had an arrangement that I would stay with my Mum for 3 months to save up a bit of cash. At the 3month mark she asked me how soon I'd be leaving.. awkward. I hope your parents are at least a bit more caring than that.

I'm not sure how to help with the house situation, I'd suggest looking up share houses but I know having house mates can be terrible! Although, you may find you get along really well with someone and they end up being a good friend - I am yet to see that happen though.

Maybe it would be easier to make some friends with other people with Aspergers? I'm not really sure if that would make you feel better or not. Maybe there are meetups or something for people in a similar situation?

Lastly, have you considered volunteering? It will get you around people but only for as long as you want to be around them. You'll get a chance to meet some people, see if they're "you're" type of people (as I get older, I feel like not many people are "my" type of people) and decide if you want to hang out with them more.

Down here there is a group called 'click + connect' for people trying to make friends in Canberra. Perhaps something similar exists there? It can be terrifying! So far, I had fun at the event I went to but I don't think I found life long friends. It does help with just being social every once in a while though.

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Kya
Posts: 388
Joined: Thu Mar 19, 2015 7:41 am
Location: Australia

Sun Jun 05, 2016 6:26 am

Thanks for sharing how you are feeling and with some background on yourself. It would be incredibly hard to try and find the right situation with the right people. I have several mental health problems that make it hard for me to interact and cope around people in a 'normal' setting. Because of that I never expect 'normal' things of myself and just do what I can in my own way. That isn't completely relevant to you haha, but the point I am trying to make is that you will probably find the right circumstances. Don't try to rush it if you don't have too. It can be good to talk about it. :)
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Vicky
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 22, 2016 2:39 pm

Mon Jun 06, 2016 2:08 pm

The one year I roomed with my best friend almost ruined our friendship for good, actually. That year pretty much ended with both of us crying and we both had to take a month or two apart to just gather ourselves. As it turns out, we're really great together as friends, but not compatible at all when it comes to our living spaces. And my best roommate was actually a 50 year old woman I was renting a room from. We didn't like, hang out or anything, but she was really cool about everything and when I was having a really hard time with life, she was totally there for me. We still keep in touch even though I've moved out. So, I don't think you'd have to live with your bestie or your significant other in order to have a good time.

I know finding a roommate is really hard, though. It's definitely either a good hit or a really bad miss. But I think most of the times, you can meet the person beforehand for coffee or something like that and get a good idea of what they're like. Some online places let you post ads too of, "this is who I am, this is how I live, this is the type of person I'd prefer to live with" to narrow down your search.

I have a lot of trouble finding new friends, too. People tend to get the first impression of me that I'm always angry or judgmental? I guess because that's what my face looks like when it's neutral... so it's hard to convince people that I'm actually not judging them and I do want to talk to them. I've found that finding people online has helped me. That way you can start a conversation and have the ability to kind of "edit" or think over what you want to say before you say it, and they're not looking at your face wondering why the heck you're just glaring at them the whole time. And then once you've started a rapport of "hey, this person seems like an okay person" and you meet in person, it's easier for them to forgive all the little physical quirks you might have, or at least for me, it's easier to talk to people once you've had a few conversations ahead of time. I actually met my current boyfriend and a few really good friends online first. So idk if there are any online forums, websites, or apps for your local area, particularly for your interests, but if there are, that might be a good place to start.

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Elfwink
Posts: 214
Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2015 12:27 pm

Sat Jun 11, 2016 7:02 am

Thanks for sharing that. I realise that someone I'm dating or best friend doesn't necessarily make a good housemate (it wouldn't surprise me if people break up because they can't figure out how to share a house together). I suppose that would be the ideal situation, if I had a partner or best friend who also agrees with how I'd like to run a house.

Speaking of which, I have been invited to room with some friends - But their other housemates (and their pets) make too much of a mess, and that's kind of a dealbreaker for me.
Vicky wrote:I know finding a roommate is really hard, though. It's definitely either a good hit or a really bad miss. But I think most of the times, you can meet the person beforehand for coffee or something like that and get a good idea of what they're like. Some online places let you post ads too of, "this is who I am, this is how I live, this is the type of person I'd prefer to live with" to narrow down your search.
That's a good plan. I might try that.

So I've decided to explore online communities to find new friends. I've signed up for Soulgeek, which looks like a nice website, but has very little activity. Online friends are better than offline friends who barely have time to see me. :/ Can anyone suggest any nerd/geek social networks to try?
You are important. Seize the day.
- Blog: Lekku

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Kalliste
Posts: 543
Joined: Fri Mar 20, 2015 7:47 am
Location: Australia

Sun Jun 12, 2016 3:32 am

I'd definitely steer clear of a share house. That's just me though, after living with a couple of people who would invite their friends over all the time it was so noisy and messy all the time! I'd definitely stick to 1 or 2 other people only.

I can't suggest any other networks unfortunately. I am in a similar position with friends although I do have a partner so even Soul Geek is probably not a good fit for me. I'd be interested in seeing what you find though.

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Elfwink
Posts: 214
Joined: Mon Mar 30, 2015 12:27 pm

Mon Jun 13, 2016 12:07 am

Kalliste wrote:I'd definitely steer clear of a share house. That's just me though, after living with a couple of people who would invite their friends over all the time it was so noisy and messy all the time! I'd definitely stick to 1 or 2 other people only.
Ah, I'm afraid I'm going to find this as arduous as interviewing people for a job...
Kalliste wrote:I can't suggest any other networks unfortunately. I am in a similar position with friends although I do have a partner so even Soul Geek is probably not a good fit for me. I'd be interested in seeing what you find though.
I think I will report on my findings in a blog or forum post. ^_^
You are important. Seize the day.
- Blog: Lekku

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